Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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