i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
