If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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