dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize