Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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