I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
