It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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