by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
