it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am mentally ready for anal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
