Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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