Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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