Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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