saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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