I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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