if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
