I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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