I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
