Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
