Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
