made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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