his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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