I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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