Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
