I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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