If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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