She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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