every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize