I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
