Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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