what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
