were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
