Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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