The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
