I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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