New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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