what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
