so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
