Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
