last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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