just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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