I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
