I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
