We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
