this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
