If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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