I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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