splinters make it hard to masturbate
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
