i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
