We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
