The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
