I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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