I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
