Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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