Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
