I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
