apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
