So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
