When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
