what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
