So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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