Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
