So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize